Happy February! I hope this month has started well for you.
At the end of January I had a number of conversations, read pieces, listened to songs and watched videos on YouTube with a very similar message. I have always struggled with fear and perfectionism and not feeling good enough. These things go hand in hand with wanting to be known but also having a fear of being known. I describe myself in three ways: quiet, shy and introverted. This combination can be a blessing and I would never say it wasn’t now that I know what the benefits of it are. However, it can also be difficult to navigate at times. I overthink EVERYTHING. Someone says something, looks at me in a particular way, sends an email, etc., and I will think about what it might have meant way beyond the length of time the other person will have thought about it. I analyse a lot of things and this can be good, but it can also prevent me from doing things. I want everything to be right, to look good, to be perfect. And I am well aware that life isn’t like that. I’m getting better at dealing with these things and I’m always so pleased when I can overcome them, but it can take time.
I have mentioned on here a few times about a project that I’ve been working on and ideas I’ve been thinking about. I did some work on this before Christmas as part of my 98 Hours plan. But I did little things. I did the easy, comfort zone tasks that made me feel like I was working on it all very productively but if I’m being honest with you (and myself!), then I didn’t really do very much to move it all forward. Part of the reason is that the ideas aren’t really fully formed yet, but the main reason is fear.
In the last couple of weeks I have had a conversation with a friend, who is aware of these ideas, and said how unsettled I was feeling. She mentioned that I needed to just get started on the things that I was wanting to do.
The same week, Sarah Raad, who writes
here on Substack, posted about her experiences when her business was in its earlier stages. (You can read the post here.) That same message was in there. You can wait for all the pieces to fall into place, or you can just start.The next day, Jonna Jinton posted a new video on YouTube. Most of the video was about her dog, Nanook, but towards the end she begins to talk about creativity and then states at around 22.23 minutes:
This thing about breaking the walls that you have built up for something that you want to do, but you’re not doing it because you just keep pushing it to the future. Maybe it can inspire you to just do it. Do you want to break the walls with me?
Short phrases from songs have been blasting out of my speakers, such as:
Better to have fought and lost than never fought at all.1
and:
If I wait ‘til I’m ready I’ll be waiting forever and I might never know…2
Can you see the theme that has been developing?
There is some small voice that keeps saying to me that I have to wait for the perfect conditions, the ability to do all the things that I’m wanting to do absolutely perfectly, at a professional level, BEFORE I can even start, which is utterly ridiculous. The logical, rational side of me knows that this is crazy. You wouldn’t expect to sit down at a piano as a beginner and be able to play Grieg’s Piano Concerto (even if you’re Eric Morecambe) so why should I expect to be able to do all of these things that I’m thinking about perfectly when I haven’t done a lot of them before?!
That unsettled feeling sometimes lingers for a reason. Sometimes it’s an indicator that what I want to do is not the right thing. But sometimes it’s just that fear and caution which has prevented me from taking so many leaps in the past. In more recent years I have tried very hard to ignore it more and just take the leap anyway. Most of the time it has turned out fine and I’ve been pleased that I’ve taken the leap, and the rest of the time I’ve still lived to tell the tale.
So what now? Well, I need to start. I need to take some action on the things that have been milling around in my mind for so long and actually get them started. But it needs to be productive action, not just little bits and pieces that make me feel like I’m doing some work but I’m actually not moving any closer to getting things started than I am sitting here and typing.
My promise to myself is that by this time next week (which will be the day after you read this), I will have done at least one scary thing that will move me forward with what I want to do. I need to stop thinking and just act. It’s time to break some walls!
Fought & Lost (feat. Brian May), Performed by Sam Ryder, Brian May; Written by Jamie Hartman, Sam Ryder, Tom Howe; Reservoir Media Management, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group
Let You Go, Performed by Harriet; Written by Josh Kerr, Harriet, Steve Anderson; Bright Star Records, Warner Chappell Music
Loved reading this Sarah, very relatable. I’m guilty of the same things. Overthinking everything, wanting everything to be perfect etc. The annoying thing is that we know we are doing it but breaking the cycle, or breaking down the walls is a challenge. We will do this!
Love this post, and thanks so much for the mention :-) I think the flipside of this is true as well isn’t it, sometimes we wait too long and we know we have and we’ve allowed things to pass us by. Which is a really disappointing feeling.